Is it really possible???

[Missy1965]

I'm curious to know something...OK two people who are in a relationship for a couple of years where they got along pretty good spent alot of time together and the sex was mind blowing they have a fight over nothing major at all and all of a sudden it's over, finished, done. Is it possible for a person to just stop caring about someone just like that? To be treated like you never mattered to them and to act like you just plain don't exist? It is hard for me to understand how someone can just be like that. I know myself I could never treat someone like that no matter who it is especially if it is someone I was so close with. This is so painful and I am asking for advice because I can't look at it objectively being the one on the receiving end of this. Is it possible to just shut your feelings off for another person pretty much over night? Has anyone ever been in this situation and how did you deal with it? This is very hard for me to understand and it has completely changed me as a person. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again and that scares me. I just don't get it....I'm starting to think maybe it isn't me at all and that thought is even more scary to think I was with someone so intimatly for that long and they just never cared about me at all from the start which means it's very possible I was fooled the whole time and didn't know this person like I thought I did. I can't think of it any other way. This is very hard to deal with and my mind is completely blown away. Someone please feel free to enlighten me.......

[incitatus]

Missy,
First let me say that I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened to you... really.

Second, my first impression was that -as terrible as it may sound- you may be right, he MAY have never truly cared.

I know how devastating something like this can be -it happened to me. I also know that things have a way of working themselves out. My situation has turned around 180 degrees...

Missy, feel free to PM me if you'd like and I'll be willing to discuss what happened to me and how I dealt with it.

Peace be with you in the meantime.

[Lilith]

(((((((Missy)))))) I can feel the pain in your words...... There is nothing more hurtful than when someone just shuts off. Mostly because it seems to insinuate that you meant nothing. I have found this is not the case at all. Usually people who are capable of severing all ties, communication, etc. abruptly are in reality cowards or fear conflict. They find it easier to run and avoid that to face the consequences of being forced to deal with feeling both yours and theirs. It is usually a good indicator of how they would handle any big issue and so it may actually be a relief someday. You want someone who is willing to exhaust all avenues to have a successful relationship not someone who shuts down and becomes cold when there is trouble. I am sorry you are hurting.........love sux sometimes

[BIBI]

Sorry to see the pain in your words and I hope that you will feel better soon.

I have been through this in my life with someone and all I can say is that yes he did love you.....as much as he was able to! Some people just go through life inflicting pain by appearing cold and indifferent. It is easier for them to do this than have to face the pain they cause. They are usually selfish and emotionally stunted and can't deal with situations and so by virtue of not knowing how else to deal with life and the pain they inflict some people are able to bury their true feelings and go on like nothing has happened. They are usually empty inside and continually go through life seeking something while never realizing many times they have what they want. I know someone like this and he goes from relationship to relationship leaving a trail of people wondering what they have done to deserve such treatment. And you know what? They, like you have done nothing but love someone who is not worthy of their love! You are hurting now but at least your hurting means your normal.......he is dead inside!
Believe me.....you will only grow stronger from this! He will just go on!

[Missy1965]

He is truely a kind, decent, really good person. I have known him for fifteen years or more. We dated fifteen years ago and it ended. We started seeing each other again over two years ago and he did say he didn't want a serious relationship but as the years past it changed into a relationship but I never forced him into anything and his excuse for ending it is that he realized he didn't want this after all because it did get sort of serious. That is what hurts so much and is what I can't understand when I say how can someone just turn their feelings off like that. I will never understand that and I just don't think it was fair to me at all to have him just say he changed his mind. That left my heart broken in pieces and I am trying to put it back together and move on but I just miss him so much. I miss him as my best friend more than anything along with everything we did. I just don't think it was fair to me at all to hurt me with that kind of excuse that he just changed his mind. Maybe he is with someone else and just didn't have the heart to tell me. Oh well, at least if that is true I hope she can make him happy because I obviously didn't. I don't understand why it took him over two years to realize I couldn't make him happy and I wasn't what he wanted. I tried i really did. I guess I will never know and I'm not even sure I want to anymore.

[BIBI]

Well I would say that if someone just dumps you......they aren't very nice to you at all. He may be wonderful blah blah blah....but he sure hasn't treated you so wonderful. Lots of fish in the sea Missy......get your bait and go fishing! If he doesnt want you I am sure there is someone just waiting for you! Maybe it just wasn't meant to be......

[Missy1965]

Yes I give up.... It's time.:(

[incitatus]

Thank you, Lilith and Bibi, for your words of wisdom...

Although my situation isn't as current as Missy's, I found your advice very inspiring.

[Missy1965]

:D

[PantyFanatic]

Can somebody bronze this thread?:cool:

[dzbuster]

i know that in the example of my second ex and i there are two good examples. first while we were dating i had many traumatic things happening in my life and couldn't put in the effort to maintaining the relationship. (bitter custody battle,grandmother's death and my mom got locked up) after i got my head back on straight i went back and appologized. we continued on to marriage. then we lived together. between the two of us our families and all we couldn't live together. she didn't want to be married and live apart. when we divorced she told me that she never wanted to see or hear from me again. this was because this would be painful and she didn't want the pain. not sure if this helps but thought with two examples of how this happens you might be able to continue on your way without souring

[Doomsday]

Sorry to here about that.... and I can't be mean to people... not unless they hurt me alot... and I can't shut off how I feel not with out dire and close to danerous conquences... It will get better... things always get better... for most people... for me they just get worse... heh... I've had something similar happen to me... several times... and its not good.. I hope things work out for the best... even if its not with him...

[Missy1965]

First I want to say that all the email and pms I have been getting are wonderful you guys are great. Hearing different stories of how you guys have dealt with similar expierences has been helpful. I don't talk to my friends about this because I don't want anyone to know what I am feeling. So thank you all so very much. I just thought I would be over this by now I am really trying but it is still the same as it was the day it ended. I'm just feeling so foolish and not myself at all. I just want it to stop already. I can't take the pain anymore it's too much for me to deal with. The best way to describe it is it feels like a death to me and I can't control the feelings I am really trying hard too. All this from ending a relationship I never thought twice about any other relationship I was in why is this one so different? I didn't even get all that much out of it either thats the funny thing. He was never really there for me 100 percent but without him I am so broken. Now I hear he has been seeing someone else and I feel so hurt.

[Tess]

Sorry about your trials, Missy. I know your pain and situation is making you ask a lot of questions about yourself.

The truth of the matter is that when someone suddenly shuts down like that, they were looking for an opportunity to exit anyway. Their actions say much more about themselves than it does you. You have probably found a facet of this individual that was closely guarded and has now been revealed.

Hang in there, and know that relationships are hard work. This was a tough lesson you learned, but you are now a much wiser person from the experience. If this relationship is truly over, there will be another. Chin up, and carry yourself proudly.

[LixyChick]

I am so sorry to see the pain you are feeling as well Missy!

If you know anything of me from Pixies.......I speak my mind and I say it as I see it.....especially here.....as I don't have all the minor (major) details! So if I am wrong........just say so......and I will shut up!

Your original post says....(and I paraphrase because I've already started typing and I don't want to go up and get the quote)....you had a fight over "nothing major at all". Forgive me for saying so but.....nothing major at all could be something very major in someone elses eyes!

Please don't get me wrong..........I know the difference between a major "knock down drag out.....kick um where it hurts" kinda argument. And once it's all said......you can't un-say it! But, to some people....throughout many arguments (major or minor) they tally the score and when the scales start to tip towards the red zone (a zone I made up as the place where it just can't be taken anymore) any fight.....be it major or minor in your head........is MAJOR in theirs!

Does this make sense?

What I mean to say is............NO! The ultimate answer to your question is NO! A person CANNOT just fall out of love in an instant. CANNOT dismiss strong feelings for a person in a blink of an eye as a result of a minor argument! There are always extenuating circumstances! If you think back.......you'll more than likely remember times when he said "nothing" was wrong. Times when he did some things that you thought were too casual when they should have been intense.

I could go on......but I just want to put your sweet heart at rest and let you know............from what I have read here......this wasn't your fault. The only thing you are guilty of is giving him the benefit of the doubt in a second go-round and then opening your heart to the prospect of this being "the time for us". This shows that you know life in all it's glory! Don't you ever let that part of yourself waver! If we never take a chance we will always wonder "what if". If we have to wonder that.....what good is life anyway? Go for it with all your heart hun! I'm not saying to be ridiculous and fall for every Tom, Dick, and Harry........but when you get that feeling again........and trust me........you will.......GO FOR IT!

You only live once......why hold back?????

BTW! He was no good for you! You are far too good for him....and yada, yada, yada.......all the things I would say if I could be there and hug you and let you know......things will get better.....you are worth it....and you deserve the best!

*hugs*

[GermanSteve]

I do not want you to get bored with my own story, but I think I had a similar case with my wife. The one that I know today was not the one I got married with. In my opinion she was completely masked before. I couldn´t see her real personality.
Although this is tough stuff to cope with it has something positive: Now I am looking with open eyes who the other person is.
Trust IS necessary for a relation, and for no relation exists a guarantee. It will always be a risk.

[incitatus]

"I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss... the dance"

[Missy1965]

Well most of problem exists within myself really. I got to be too much of a pain in the ass. My nagging got the best of me. Unfortunatly, for me I learned my lesson too late he gave up on me. I can't say I blame him I really had no reason to treat him the way I did. A person can only tolerate so much bull before they walk.