B/F is MARREID!!!!!!!!

[Mellisaaa]

I am soooo pissed! I just (well, earlier this morning) found out that the man I have been seeing for a little over a year is oh so very MARRIED!!!!


He lives in North Carolina and I in Virginia. We met when he was in VA for business, began talking and then dating. He had given me a cell number but I don't hand out my home number either so I didn't think much about it. I had no problem doing most of the visits in VA because I don't care for Charlotte and he was up here often.


After a bit he mentioned that his sister was going through a divorce and he had let her and her 4 children stay with him. Her husband had had an affair and she walked out, had no place to go and Ron had lots of room so they came there. He acted like it was about to drive him crazy with all the noise and constant chaos that I now KNEW I didn't want to go visit him.

I did get his home number from the caller id. He said that it was okay to call but at night after things had calmed down. One day when he wasn't at work I called home to check on him because I knew he was ill and she answered and said he was sleeping. The next time I talked to him I mentioned I had called and he said that I had awakened her from her sleep....she works nights.....and he had heard about it FOREVER.

We continued to see each other, were even going to get married!!!! I wonder how we would have pulled that off??? My daughter adores him....now I know why he was so good with her.... as does my family! He SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry!! Mostly I feel STUPID!!!!!!! I sooooooo feel up to that drive to NC now, but would just look even more stupid!!!

I want a confrontation but can't make the call. Want to tell his wife to tell the wife so he'll be hurt like I am but don't want to hurt her....he does that well enough for everyone. It had been years since I had let a man into my heart....we all know other places had an all access pass, but not my heart.....and I go and pick the biggest loser so far!!!!! Damn I just feel like exploding!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not one to air out all my personal issues like this but I so feel the need for advise. I'm not up to venting to friends or family yet. I'm not looking forward to playing the fool in this one! I sure hope someone has something to say that might help. How could he play with me for so long? How could he not care? How could he be so cruel??????????

How ANYTHING???????????????

[Mellisaaa]

Now I feel worse because I just noticed I posted this in the wrong place....sorry

[Lilith]

S'ok Mellisaaa..........
((Hugs)) So sorry you feel betrayed and deceived. It won't really make anything better or worse to tell the wife. She is married to a horrid man and I am sure she knows that by now.
I am sending good thoughts and positive healing vibes to you. Feel free to pm me if ya need to talk, cry or just bitch!

[kleclere]

Mellisaaa beating yourself up isn't the answer either. The jerk is definately isn't worth a wonderful lady as yourself. He sounds like he has done this before and is well practiced. I wish I could say the right thing to make it all better but talking with us at Pixies and looking into yourself you will get thru this. Only that jerk can tell why he did it. You need to talk it out,cry with someone, hug someone and know that we at Pixies care. If you need to talk Pm me. May not have to right answers but have big shoulders.

[incitatus]

Mellisaaa,
I'm really very sorry to hear about what happened.
I know the old stand-by of: "You're better off without him" is of no comfort. (Although it IS true).
Some of the folks here know a little bit about my (previous) situation -suffice it to say that I have a VERY dim view of infidelity. If you feel so inclined, PM me and I'll tell you how my similar tragedy turned to eventual triumph. (I can not help but believe that the same reversal of fortune will one day happen to you...)

[Slow Ride]

Mellisaaa..........I know the feeling ! I've been divorced a little over a year now................and I find out that my EXbitch has been seeing the same man (almost twice her age) for about three years now...........................at first I was pissed,but now.........he has to put up with her shit!!!!!!!!


NOT ME

[DallasLiving]

Melisaaa, I am sorry to hear that he did such a thing to you and others. It is pitiful when someone (a guy or a girl) acts in such a way.

I wish I could tell you the reasoning behind his actions, but I can't. All I can say is to be thankful for small favors. You found this all out instead of him continuing to see him in this situation.

Again, sorry you had to go through all of this.

[Vintage Vixen]

When anyone can do that to another person wether married or even in a relationship and doing it on the side,in my book is the scum of the earth.I'd wanna blow the dudes balls off !! No bastard is worth the pain. I hope you get through this and remember what goes around comes around and the lowlife will get his in the end.

[dm383]

I'm not sure I should comment on this because, to my eternal shame, I have Been that guy... well, almost. :o

I had a brief relationship with a woman I'd known for nearly twenty years... a case of "the grass is greener on the other side" .. well, I'm here to tell you... it ISN'T!! I have found THAT out Big Time, it has cost me everything I had,and I don't mean money; I mean self-respect, trust of my daughter, two VERY good friends and (nearly) my mum, dad & sister too!

I've been very lucky though... probably some will say luckier than I deserve, and you might be right. My ex-wife (to be) are now getting on better than we did for years, my daughter seems to have forgiven me, and my folks are talking to me again - just. Luckiest of all, I met someone who turned my life around completely.... she knows the whole story, and STILL wants me in her life. I feel very humbled by that, and I love her for it - and I tell her so every day I see her.

So, to the point.... why did I do it? Well, there was the "grass is greener" crap.......marriage seemed stale, I was bored, we'd known each other a lot of years (and had been "fuck-buddies" years before) all and none of that. The "thrill" of it too, being brutally honest.

Maybe it's the same with "your" guy Mellisaaa - only he's taken advantage of you BIG-TIME, without giving you any options. You sound to me like you would have blown him out straight away (and rightly so), which is likely why he didn't tell you - adding to the "kick", maybe? Who knows? Regarding the telling of his wife.. well, as Lilith said, she probably has a good idea what he's like, especially if he's done it before... which it sounds he has, and it would be YOU ending up feeling even worse, I reckon.

Sorry for going on, and "hi-jacking" your thread... but I mentioned this in a thread a while ago, without the detail; I just hope it gives even a little bit of insight into things for you. If it changes the way others here think of me, well it's a chance I'm willing to take.
Good luck with everything Mellisaaa, and don't let the b*stard get you down!

DM


Msg for Celticangel ... if you see this babe, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!!

[celticangel]

Melissaaa---------the world is full of folk who care only for their own needs and wants--with no reguard for the people they hurt. I was broken last year by the man I thought I loved------not only did he hurt me---but also my 2 kids----a fact that I still feel spitting mad about!----------I am over him now---thanks to friends and family ---------and the man I am seeing now makes me glad that the ex is out of my life-------cause he is the best thing that has happened to me in recent years(apart from the kids!) and makes me feel worthwhile---------------the right man for u is out there------difficult bit is seperating the bad ones-----cause they seem so plauseable-------from the ones who will give u the support u deserve---------good luck and lots of hugs!!


Dm------straight back at u!!!!!!!xxxxxx

[dm383]

Thanks babe........... and thank YOU Lilith ;) xx

[Bugsy]

I feel bad for you I know that does not make it any better but I do.

You sound like such a nice person and people like him know it, once I saw a girl for ages who I loved worshipped the ground she walked on and she knew it, she split up with her boyfriend (so she told me) and I was head over heels, I introduced her to my friend my parents and all the time this guy was seeing her, god I feel bad about it now...I don't hate her I pity her.

Now I have love shes perfect she makes me laugh, shes beautiful and I am married to her.

I am not saying that last bit to make you feel worst just to let you know I've felt pain and you must be now but leave it well alone, come throught it you sound so caring and considerate you're little girl does not need someone like that in her life, I hope and trust you will find love and it will seek you out love does it finds the kind but it lets them know what the pain of hurting someone is like you will never wanted to have made someone feel how you feel now, don't squash it remember it and when you find your love it will seem all the better.

Love is on its way I know

take care I am sorry if this message does not help but It was honestly what I believe

[Oldfart]

Mellisaaa,

The person who invents a bullshit detector will be richer than Bill Gates.

In the meantime, remember that the shit is an indictment of him, not

a shame for you.

There are genuine people out there, but it's up to you to sort the

turds from the good ones.

Luck.

[Steph]

Oh my goodness! I can understand your rage. He actually lied for an entire year! I feel for you. I don't have any great advice, sadly. When you feel angry, you could go for long walks to try and calm down.

As you can tell by our reactions, this guy is a jerk of high proportions and most people aren't this deceptive.

[Aqua]

First I want to say kudos to dm383 for coming forward with his story which might possibly shed some light on the "Why did he do it?" aspect. It's difficult to admit the low times in your life.

I just want to add to what others have said... Telling the wife will most likely do no good because, A.) She probably already knows he is a piece of crap. Or B.) She has no idea who you are and won't want to believe you so she will be in denial about the whole thing. If option A is true, she probably will just accept it. I feel for you Mellissaaa, as I've had my own experience with the evil spawn of satan girlfriend that couldn't tell the truth, period. What goes around comes around.... and he will reap what he has sown. Tell him off, from long distance, tell him it's over, and walk away without loooking back. (I know, easier said than done.) Good luck, I will pray for you. Hey, things could be worse... imagine if you didn't have Pixies?! :eek:

[dm383]

Thanks! Like I said, CA knows all about that period, and it WAS bad ~ and I only told it in the hope it MAY shed some light on Mellisaaa's situation.

Definitely NOT my finest hour :(

DM

[Mellisaaa]

Thanks all of you!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so thankfull for all of your kind words and thoughts. I didn't want you to all think I reached out for your help and then ignored you. I have cried, laughed, cried, cried, cried, laughed, and cussed, and finally slept.

I have tried to get in touch with him but am being ignored. He knows I know and won't give me the respect of venting my anger/hurt to him. PRICK!!!!!!!! Sadly I am one of those people who craves closure.

To all of you wonderfull people, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to send a note along to me. For some reason it does seem to help knowing that you all wish me well.

Lilith~~~ Thank you so much for moving this to the right area....to bad you couldn't do a spell check too. I am hoping my moments of laughter are from your vibes and not insanity!!! ;)

Kleclere~~~ Thank you for your kind words. I sure could use your shoulders, I'm about out of tissue!!!

incitatus~~~ Thank you so much for your kind offer to share your experiance with me. I may take you up on that once I balance out a little bit.

S.R.~~~ You are always there for me!!! I am so sorry it has happened to you as well. Thank you.

Dallas~~~Thank you for your thoughts. I too am glad it didn't go on any longer than it did.

BiSexy~~~ You're a peach!!!!!!!! I'm so glad someone else would have their 'claws' out too. Thanks! :)

dm383~~~ I cherish your thoughts. You are very, very wonderfull person to put yourself on the line in the eyes of others just to try to make me feel better. I hope it changes nothing for you. I for one think even more of you. You were very noble and I honestly thank you. I am so glad that your life turned out better when at a time it could have been worse.

celtic~~~Thanks for the luck and hugs. Also for the reminder that one day this will be a memory!!!!

Bugsy~~~Thank you so much. I hope that one day I find the happiness you have found.

Oldfart~~~ Could you get to work on that bullshit detector??? I think I could use 2!!!! Thank you so much for your help.

Steph~~~ You had a good idea. I did go for a walk this morning after I put my daughter on the bus and tried to call'him' 20 times. The only bad thing is that once the rage wears off you start to notice how cold it is and how far from the house you are! Next time I'll remember a coat! Thanks (HUGS)

Aqua~~~ I don't think I could tell her. I had my chance yesterday when I called....That part I didn't put in....I had called his house because I couldn't get in touch with him and we were going away for the weekend and I needed some information. I got his 'sister' I told her I was Ron's friend Melissa and was he home. He wasn't and she wanted a message, I told her I just needed some info on what was going on this weekend so I could make plans for it. She said she didn't know Ron had invited another 'couple' and just chatted like we would get to be great friends this weekend. I was a little more than confussed. Then she asked if it was my husband I was bringing, all I could get out was no, I was getting ready to tell her the other person was my daughter when she asked me to let 'their' children think that my b/f and I were married because they tried to shelter them from that sort of thing. Though she had no problem it other than that. Most everything had fallen into place by then and I was about to get ill so I got off the phone after she told me she'd have Ron call me as soon as he got in and she couldn't wait to meet me!!!!!!!! I was about to pass out!

Anyway, after I high-jacked your thank you....sorry, I just don't think I could tell her. She was so sweet when she thought I was just his friend, and you can tell she thinks the sun rises and sets in his eyes......just about like I did....asshole! Anyway, I don't want to hurt her. I guess she'll find out in time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your thoughts and you are so right, if not for a place to vent and kind peole to help me through I might be in Charlotte flattening all his tires! Sorry I ran on again! Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!

[dude33]

Just thought I'd add my two cents worth. I personally think you should tell her as she has the right to know for any number of reasons. It will hurt her but in the long run she will appreciate being told.

This is a smaller issue but an example that I will use. I once smoked a pack a day and when I met my future wife I was forced to quit due to her having respitory problems and the fact that she wouldn't go near me for the smell. Well, I worked at this place where everyone smoked and soon fell back into the habit. The smell was explained away by working with smokers. Anyway one day she walked into the office while I was having a puff. Needless to say she was very pissed, but that wasn't the end of it. She also found out that a co-worker of hers knew I was smoking because I worked with her husband. My wife was very hurt that her co-worker did not tell her even though they were not best friends or anything. The embarassment of having other people know and not say anything was allmost enough for her to divorce me not that fact that I smoked.

Well, just thought I'd pass that on.

Now if I need to have a smoke I tell her. She still gets angry and refuses to touch me until I shower lol, but at least she knows!

[Wildeye]

Melisaaa

Despite this place being about sex, it goes hand-in-hand with honstey, respect and responsibility.. none of which this jerk showed to you. Its ok to feel angry and upset, its ok to feel sad and hurt.

He is the shit in this, you are not, you showed all of the positive, good values, it is he who is worthless and mean, he has de-valued himself, you are worthy of respect. Love will find you.

Best of all things to you.

Wildeye

[Coach Knight]

Being the resident Pixies Cynic, I thougtht I would play Devil's Advocate just for a second.
If you were with him for a year, that means you shared birthdays and holidays with him. I assume he came up with some excuse as to why he couldn't spend these with you. What about meeting his friends or other family members?
Believe me, he is a jerk and he is dead wrong, but at no time in a year did any of his actions seem suspicious?

In my experiences, you get to know people not only by spending time with them but also with the people that are close to them. It just sounds like red flags were going up all over the place.
Oh well, my 2 cents.

[Mellisaaa]

Coach~~~ I can see how you would wonder about these things. It wasn't as cut and dry as all that though.

Birthdays abd Holidays......

We met after Christmas and only days before New Years. We didn't spend that holiday together, at the time I didn't know if I would ever really see him again. He did call on New Years though. we did spend Valentine's Day together. My daughter's Birthday is at the end of Feb, though he didn't come up for that he did get her gifts and took us out to dinner the next time he was up to celebrate. My Birthday is in March, we were together then. His Birthday is in June, we were together for that. During the Fourth of July we were on a week and a half vacation together. He was here for part of Labor Day weekend. He got 'called out of town for work' for Thanksgiving. (now I know that to be a lie.) but called often. We spent Dec 20 - 23 together. I took him to the airport to spend Christmas in Atlanta with his family, mother, father, etc. I was invited to go along but I think that only came about because he knew I would want to be with my family. He was there until the 29th (anniversary) when I picked him up at the airport and he stayed until the first. Not only did we have all this time together but he was often up, or we went away, or I even went down there. No I didn't want to stay with him. He had a house full of teens and pre-teens and I a six year old. I was more than happy to be in a hotel!!!

Meeting friends and family members:

I knew the two women in his office and talked to them often. When I was in Nc, I would go to his work and we'd go out to lunch. I also knew three of the men that traveled with him on business from time to time. Most of his family lives in Atlanta or farther, he said they didn't get along well and told me issues from his past. I really believed that because he seemed so genuinly happy to be around my family who took him in. He said they were like a family he had never known.

I honestly didn't want to get to know the people that lived with him. Some of the things he said sounded horrid. I did send the children gifts on their Birthday's though. we went Christmas shopping for them when he was here as well. I had talked to them on a few occasions when I had called the house for him and they answered, not in detail though, only to ask for him or leave a message.

In hindsight I'm sure that there were things that maybe I should have caught onto but it wasn't as I think you had thought before. The world needs cynics just as much as it needs saps, looks like we fit the bill.

[Mellisaaa]

dude~~~ As a woman I do think that I would want to know if my husband were cheating on me. A part of me does want to tell her and I'm ashamed to say it's not just so she'll know what he's up to. There is still a very raw part of me that would LOVE to rip him apart and destroy his real world like the truth has destroyed the world his lies let my mind build that would be ours soon.

It's hard to figure out. I don't like her!!! But just talking to her and her letting me into the life she see's as having for even those few minutes, well I just don't think I can be the one to call and tell her that her life as well as mine is lies! I do honestly have a sick side that doesn't want to be the only one upset. I just don't know if I can handle her reaction. In a perfect world I could cause him pain and not have to do it through her. (sigh)

Wildeye~~~ I do enjoy the sexual side of things here, but right now I am oh so greatful for the compassionate side as well. Thank you so much!

[Aqua]

To go back to part B of what I said about telling her...
You said you can tell she thinks the sun rises and sets in his eyes If that's the case she won't believe you and he being the liar that he is will make up some story that she will believe because she wants to. She has no idea who you are or what your character is and worse, she seems to believe she knows her husbands character. She'll cling to whatever he says and she'll regard you with hate and anger that you would dare attepmt to break up their home. If he is aware you know and is avoiding your calls, I think you should focus on yourself for awhile. Do things for yourself that maybe you've thought about but have put off. Hang out with friends as much as possible. AND perv around Pixies as much as possible... ;) :D

[Vintage Vixen]

He sounds like a great manipulator on a huge ego trip....and yes now you know he's a scumbag,i think the bastard needs to be put in his place but thats just my opinion.He will continue on to someone else if he isn't stopped.I guess the reason i feel so strongly is because i've been through it w/my son's father.When i finally had it i threw him and his shit out but not before giving him a nice black eye when i punched him:)

[Mellisaaa]

I'm not too very proud of myself but I think anger won out, or maybe it was the rejection of his not taking my calls...who knows.

Anyway, last night I couldn't sleep so I gathered up all of his things he had here- clothes, grooming items, books, music- along with pictures of us and was going to burn it all up. I got the fire going and everything then couldn't put it in there. Then came the huge flood of emotions that have been non-stop lately.

Finally I grabbed a box and put everything in it along with a big f*ck off letter. In the letter I told him how sh*tty I thought he was for having two different lives going on for so long.That it would have been one thing if he had just had a fling but was quite another to be engaged to another woman while being oh so very married.

I vented a good bit more than that as well. About what a louse he was to his wife and kids to have been with me at times that should have been for his family in the first place. Just on and on about the phone calls, visits, vacations, gifts, sex............ Then sent it all off to his house this morning.

Now of course I am having second thoughts about all that being the right thing to have done... I keep telling myself I hope she doesn't open it and that it WAS addressed to him so if she does it's on her. Deep down I know this to not be EXACTLY true. If I had HONESTLY not wanted to cause trouble I could have sent it to his work. But then on the other hand there were some pictures that I COULD have sent that would have given her a divorce on the spot, but I kept them.

I guess deep down I couldn't be the better person and let it all go. I am a little disappointed in myself for not taking the high road but damn it it was just eating away at me that he was going to get to move on without any changes. That he could just replace me and keep going. I hate being reminded that I'm replaceable.

I guess I'll go file my 'claws' back down now. Thanks for all your help.

[dude33]

I think you did what you had to do and now you can have closure. By sending his stuff away you should consider this a symbolic gesture of sending him away. :)

Take care!

[Mellisaaa]

Hi Dude,
I do feel as though I've 'cleaned house' as far as he's concerned. I just wish I didn't have such conflicting emotions about his wife. I think I did handle it in the way that was best for me. I had an empty pit feeling when he wasn't returning/answering my calls. Now I don't have the urge to speak to him as much. I feel that my letter helped that.

I am still annoyed that he can't respect me enough to be a man and face me. Then again if you look back on it when was I ever treated with respect by him??? I guess my questions will continue to go unanswered and one day maybe the answers won't even matter.

Take care yourself, and thanks

[Vintage Vixen]

Thought i'd say hi:) And see how you're doin today,i know how hard this is beleive me.Hope you're ok :)

[whitehorse]

Originally posted by Mellisaaa
Now I feel worse because I just noticed I posted this in the wrong place....sorry

I THINK YOU POSTED IN THE PROPER PLACE! You do need advice. Forget about this guy, as hard as it is. What an ASSHOLE! Oh well not everyone has the same morals, too bad! Sorry for your pain:confused: Hope it gets easier for you:rolleyes:

[BigBear57]

Honey I feel your pain. I've had a couple of major deceptions since my divorce. One married and the other had a steady the whole 8 months while vowing neverending love (as if). We who trust, we who see the good in people and blindly expect to be treated as we treat others usually get footprints on our backs. Time being the only medicine and being hesitant to trust again is the cost. Trouble is....loving with our whole heart is what we live for. I wish you all the best. I'm sorry it happened to you... I'll keep good thoughts for you. Oh and as for knowing why. Consider this... would knowing why change that it happened? I had a shrink charge me $200/Hr for that little gem. LOL It's yours for free. I hope it'll help you as it did me.

[Nice Guy]

I would like to really respond to this thread but the words just wont come. I feel really bad for you mellisaaa, nobody should have to go through that. However I also feel that the wife really does need to know about this, as you have said she seems like a really good person and to not tell her would be an injustice.

I've spent a good portion of my adult (as short as it is) being kicked down and gutshoted by almost every girl I've really cared for but all of that amounts to nothing compared to this. To have my only association with your ex be that of being male angers me greatly. I have always respected people even when I probably shouldn't have. I have never taken advantage of anybody before and never plan to. To do so is below contempt.