Irish
07-06-2004, 10:23 PM
> Subject: Fw: Steven Wright classic lines
>
>
> >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
guy
> who
> > > once
> > > > said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> stolen...and
> > > > replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently
than
> we
> > > do -
> > > > to our amazement and amusement Here are some more of his gems,
some
> you
> > > may
> > > > have heard, but always funny!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> > > >
> > > > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> > > >
> > > > Half the people you know are below average.
> > > >
> > > > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> > > >
> > > > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> > > >
> > > > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
> good.
> > > >
> > > > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> > > >
> > > > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> > > >
> > > > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> > > >
> > > > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the
> > > cheese.
> > > >
> > > > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
> met.
> > > >
> > > > OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> > > >
> > > > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> > > >
> > > > If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
> overlooked
> > > > something.
> > > >
> > > > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> > > >
> > > > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> > > >
> > > > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
> lazy.
> > > >
> > > > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> > > >
> > > > I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
> > > >
> > > > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> > > >
> > > > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
> > > >
> > > > What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> > > >
> > > > My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made
> your
> > > > horn louder."
> > > >
> > > > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> > > >
> > > > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
> tried.
> > > >
> > > > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> > > >
> > > > Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need
> it.
> > > >
> > > > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
> the
> > > > bread.
> > > >
> > > > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
> many is
> > > > research.
> > > >
> > > > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> > > >
> > > > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch
> up.
> > > >
> > > > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
> to be
> > > on
> > > > it.
>
>
> >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
guy
> who
> > > once
> > > > said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> stolen...and
> > > > replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently
than
> we
> > > do -
> > > > to our amazement and amusement Here are some more of his gems,
some
> you
> > > may
> > > > have heard, but always funny!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> > > >
> > > > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> > > >
> > > > Half the people you know are below average.
> > > >
> > > > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> > > >
> > > > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> > > >
> > > > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
> good.
> > > >
> > > > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> > > >
> > > > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> > > >
> > > > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> > > >
> > > > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the
> > > cheese.
> > > >
> > > > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
> met.
> > > >
> > > > OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> > > >
> > > > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> > > >
> > > > If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
> overlooked
> > > > something.
> > > >
> > > > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> > > >
> > > > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> > > >
> > > > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
> lazy.
> > > >
> > > > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> > > >
> > > > I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
> > > >
> > > > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> > > >
> > > > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
> > > >
> > > > What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> > > >
> > > > My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made
> your
> > > > horn louder."
> > > >
> > > > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> > > >
> > > > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
> tried.
> > > >
> > > > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> > > >
> > > > Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need
> it.
> > > >
> > > > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
> the
> > > > bread.
> > > >
> > > > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
> many is
> > > > research.
> > > >
> > > > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> > > >
> > > > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch
> up.
> > > >
> > > > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
> to be
> > > on
> > > > it.