Advice on Step-Parenting

[1nutworld]

Hey gang,

I'm back with yet another stupid question.

Can those of you who are, or were raised by Step-Parents please help me define what one is.

My wife and I are still headed for divorce, as I have touched in other threads, but I need to know what the role of a step-parent is in a marriage, or even in a relationship.

My wife refuses to specifically define what she expects my role to be, in the next few years, but she has told me that her daughters don't want me to be their dad, since they still have him, and I have not asked for that role, but she also says that she doesn't want me to be a parent to her daughters. She wants me to be her husband, however. I don't understand how I can be one and not the both.

What does being a step parent mean? How much input do you have as one...what things can a step-parent define involving the children. Obviously each case will be different, and most definatly not as messed up as mine is, but I JUST CAN'T define what being a step-parent is.

Since I am a product of a non- divorced marriage myself, and to be honest, I never grew up knowing what a step-parent is/was when I was growing up.

Thanks.

[divot109]

Tough position you're in...but I'm not too clear on what is going on in your situation. You said you "are still headed for divorce" and then go on to say, "She wants you to be her husband, however." I also do not know the age of the children involved, which has a big impact on your role, as does the role of their biological father. However, based on the information that you did give, here is my input:

1. You are NOT their dad...do not try to replace him in their lives.
2. You ARE their step-father...be their role model & mentor when you can!
3. Be supportive to their mother, and openly/honsetly express your opinion when differences do occur.
4. Set appropriate limits on their behavior & set clear, consistent boundaries!
5. Discuss this issue & your concerns with your wife, and DEMAND what she expects your role to be! You cannot be excluded from the decision making process if the two of you are to be married.
6. VERY IMPORTANTLY: Realize that the children should be your wife's priority over you, yet you deserve "your" time as well!
7. MORE IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT fall into the trap of ever blaming the children for ANY marital discord that may ensue. You may feel they are to blame, but never reveal those feelings to the children! To be successful in a blended family, you and your wife MUST be able to discuss the issues, expectations, disciplinary response, etc. And you MUST be able to reach a mutual compromise. Hope this helps, a little, coming from someone who has been there done that!!! Good luck and keep us posted!!!

[IAKaraokeGirl]

What he ^^^ said, very well.

[1nutworld]

Tough position you're in...but I'm not too clear on what is going on in your situation. You said you "are still headed for divorce" and then go on to say, "She wants you to be her husband, however." I also do not know the age of the children involved, which has a big impact on your role, as does the role of their biological father. However, based on the information that you did give, here is my input:

1. You are NOT their dad...do not try to replace him in their lives.
2. You ARE their step-father...be their role model & mentor when you can!
3. Be supportive to their mother, and openly/honsetly express your opinion when differences do occur.
4. Set appropriate limits on their behavior & set clear, consistent boundaries!
5. Discuss this issue & your concerns with your wife, and DEMAND what she expects your role to be! You cannot be excluded from the decision making process if the two of you are to be married.
6. VERY IMPORTANTLY: Realize that the children should be your wife's priority over you, yet you deserve "your" time as well!
7. MORE IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT fall into the trap of ever blaming the children for ANY marital discord that may ensue. You may feel they are to blame, but never reveal those feelings to the children! To be successful in a blended family, you and your wife MUST be able to discuss the issues, expectations, disciplinary response, etc. And you MUST be able to reach a mutual compromise. Hope this helps, a little, coming from someone who has been there done that!!! Good luck and keep us posted!!!

The girls involved are 15 (to be 16 in August, and 13) as well as my son who is 6.

I have told her that if I were to return to support her which is why she wants me back, that I must have a defined role in the relationship, divorced or not. I also stressed to her that IF I were to return, that I become a step-parent...whatever that is.

She told me that she would refuse to acknowledge me as a "parent" since she would not support decisions that I could/would make AS a parent, since she doesn't feel as though I am capable of making "intelligent parenting decisions".

Since she still wants me around, I am left to wonder what I am....since she doesn't want me to "parent", except to my son, but not her girls. I don't understand what my "role" will be in things. I guess that is why I am asking what a "step parent" is.

Maybe this will help?

[divot109]

Again, based on the information that you have provided, you need to make a clearly defined decision. You said that she wants you back to support her...if that is the case, RUN....don't walk, but RUN LIKE HELL!!! She is using you! Unless the common laws of your state mandate that you owe a financial burden to your step-children, you do not!!! The way you speak about their biological father leads me to believe that he is paying his child support...is he??? If so, she is simply trying to complement that with your support. If not, she is merely trying to compensate for "his" lack of support compounded by her own inability to financially provide for her own children. At 15 & 13, about all you can really do is demonstrate what kind of "man" you really are...NEVER personalize their reaction(s) to you...NEVER belittle their mother (or father) in their presence...let them know that you DO care & are interested in their well-being...let them know that you can & will be an unbiased ear to lean on, etc. But do not stay with their mother because that is what she wants...that is in NOBODY's best interest! BTW...how long have you been married to her & the step-father to her children??????

[1nutworld]

She and I have been married for 8 years now. I have been out of the house for 18 months. The girls father does provide child support for the girls...how much I am not aware.

I've not EVER belittled their father, and while she and I have argued, we have tried as much as possible to do it out of the ears of the girls and our son.

I know that part of the reason she wants me back is for financial support, and I am paying support for my son.

[divot109]

Ok...Well, based on your information which is becoming more clear, I would not return to her! LOVE is not the reason she wants you back. At first, I wasn't sure if the 6 year old was common to the two of you! Continue your financial support to "YOUR" son and remain an integral part of his life. He needs a father! Do not reunite with the wife for the "child's sake." I assure you that it will only be worse for him!!! Harsh reality does suck...but, none-the-less...it is reality!!!

[Lilith]

If she doesn't feel you can make good parental decisions then why would she think you could make marital ones?

[divot109]

VERY well put, Lilith!!!

[PantyFanatic]

This special type parenting can not be taken too seriously. I have seen the havoc that can happen when you do not accept the responsibility for doing you duties in such a case. More than just the shame and degradation to yourself is the innocent people that can come into contact with the child in the future.

First you have to get a large supply of paper bags. You can’t be distracted from the importance of transforming the beast into something that is not a threat to all of mankind.

My advise is that when ever you have company coming over, chain the girl in the basement as not to shock society without warning.

You should smack your wife once a day for doing such a horrible thing to you and to the world. …………………
:rolleyes2

OOOoops! :o ……… sorry divot ……… I thought you said ‘STEPH-parent’.






never mind :)

[divot109]

not my thread....but Steph-parent definitely sounds like a much better topic to me PF b/c step-parenting with a bad wife is just NO fun!!! By the way, does the size of the paper bag matter????

[Jude30]

I am not nor have I ever been part of a blended family but the situation you have described just seems really bad to me.

I believe in a "my house my rules" philosophy. I realise that it is your wifes house too, but she is trying to remove you from all of the decision making processes as far as your stepdaughters are concerned. If she makes it known to her daughters that they don't have to listen to you they won't. This cannot lead to any good what so ever. I could be wrong this is just my opinion.

I am curious though how you are married to someone for eight years and not know how much money they are contributing to the household.

[PantyFanatic]

not my thread....but Steph-parent definitely sounds like a much better topic to me PF b/c step-parenting with a bad wife is just NO fun!!! By the way, does the size of the paper bag matter????
ROFLMAO :grin:


I AM sorry about that divot. :)


........ but that IS somethign we ALWAYS have to be on guard against. ;)

[Fangtasia]

My mum is a step mum and let me say my step sister and sometimes the brothers made her life a living hell for their young years....she in no way tried to take the place of the bilogical mum...but did expect respect (as well she should get)

I've seen first hand as i was growing up the stresses step families can give to a step parent

My Dad is also a step parent...and he has bought up my sister as his own...no stresses...He may be her Step dad...but to her and my Dad there is no step part

Just be careful what you may be taking on if you decide to become that role.....depending on the kids and the whole situation is can be a good thing or a bad...only you know the whole story and can make the best decision

[divot109]

No problem, PF...it's not the first time that I have been blamed for a mess I didn't create...LOL!!!

[Incubus255]

ok chap, we've all heard why she wants you back but relaly whats in it for you??

here's what I've heard from this and your previous threads, basically she wants you around for convience, but says your incompetent? wtf mate?

I could see her possibly saying you can't make parenting decisions if she could claim that you weren't a parent and "didn't knwo what it felt like" but you have your own child so she's pretty much saying, yeah your too dense to raise your own kid so I don't want you near mine

sounds like she has no love or respect for you at all, nothing that would be considered "love" anyway, I mean heck I "love" having a microwave , makes me life alot easier and more convient and I only have to give it just as much attention as I want and it still gives me the results I need.

unfortuantly yo uaren't a microwave your a person, you have needs and wants as well, and she doesn't seem to understand this, all I can say is run chap, I'd stay as far outta her life as you can while still seeing your child.

now I know you guys have al ong history and your probally thinking to yourself yeah well she has her side of the argument too, doesn't matter, her wants and needs to not outweight your own, you can't be a doormatt for someone else because they make you feel that way.

she's not looking for a step parent, she's not looking for a husband, she's looking for a filler for her kids father, someone who is willing to pick up the slack of whatever roles he's decided not to fill.

All I can say is move on , You deserve to be in a relationship where you can be happy instead of treated like that , and the closer she is to you the more she's gonna lay that guilt trip bullshit on you to bring you down enough so she can manipulate you into doing what she wants.

lol sorry if that was a little wordy but i was annoyed enough at this woman after reading your last thread and the ridiculous way she treats you and if after 8 years she doesn't even see you as competent to make parental decisions? she obviously has no respect for you at all, you gotta get outta there, and most important don't look back

[LixyChick]

What I don't understand is...why don't you understand her platform?

Oh Hon...she's USING you like I've never seen before...and you seem to be honestly perplexed as to what your role would be when/if you return!!!???

As asked above...what's in this for you? Closeness to your son? Don't you get that through court orders and visitational rights? Did you even go to court? I am assuming you did cause you have to pay support. Please tell us you didn't abide by a set support payment made by her!!!!!!!!????????

Lemme say this just from reading this and another of your threads...

You are a follower personified...and this "ex" of yours knows it and is going to play you like a fiddle till you take holda those balls of yours and hike um high and tell her your wants and needs and STICK BY THEM!!!!!! She is leading you around by the nose and setting rules that she can live with but that'll leave you high and dry!

As a disclaimer...I'll admit I am wrong if you can say I have hit upon anything that doesn't strike a chord of truth!

Best wishes sweety! Please know I say all of the above with a caring that only other Pixies can know!!!!

[maddy]

While I don't know much about step parenting... I was raised by my married biological parents... my father travelled consistently and was essentially around for the "weekends" of my life. He fathered us by phone to present the "united" front the household needed. It didn't take long for us to figure out that the act of "telling Daddy" when he got home everything Mommy wouldn't let us do ... or the other sibling did wrong wasn't going to get us any pleasantries... We had our opportunity every evening to share with him the days ups and downs and they were dealt with immediately. he supported every single decision my mom made when she was left alone with us. The appearance of a united front is essential for any child. Children of all ages will find the angle to get their way everytime. if you choose to remain in this relationship, i think it is well within your reason to demand that you have equal say of what happens within the household... afterall when other children visit I think they are required to "abide by your rules" not those that their parents set forth at their home... or at least that's the life I knew....

[1nutworld]

Hi gang,

Thanks for the advice. You have all confirmed what I have been thinking..(and just not wanting to admit) since I am trying to let my son have as "normal" a childhood as possible.

I agree that my wife appears to be trying to "use" me and that she doesn't really want me around as a husband, but as a boyfriend....someone to have fun with, to take her to movies, bring flowers, and stuff like that.

I think of the character Sam Wiesberg in the movie A Few Good Men when he says " I have no responsibility here whatsoever".

I have told her from the day this separation started that the only way I would consider returning is if we, she, the girls and myself, were to get professional help towards becoming a FAMILY...and that is the only way I would return to the home. THAT is not going to happen....period.

She is very content to say that I am not "supporting" her and her needs and wishes, but as you all have very succinctly put things....

What IS in it for me???

Nothing, but headache.

Thanks so very much gang, for giving me the "whack" upside the head that I guess I need.

Nut

[divot109]

No question that she is using you...she is now a single mother in need of support, and she is scared!!! Perhaps her behavior is a pattern considering you are her second (at least) failed marriage, both with children involved!!! Sounds to me as though she is emotinoally & financially insecure not to mention, immature!!!! I still concur that you maintain your separation while remaining a part of your son's life....good luck, mate!!!

[Steph]

OOOoops! :o ……… sorry divot ……… I thought you said ‘STEPH-parent’.

Shaddup, old man!

I was a step-parent and their mother was very much in the picture. It was tough because she would talk about me in a negative fashion and it rubbed off on the kids but I took the high road and didn't say anything about her to them. An artist friend of my ex-husband told me recently that the kids did benefit from living with me because they did go to university and did credit me with that.

All you can do is be you, be positive & don't act like you're trying to take over already-established roles. It's not easy, though. I don't plan on dating someone with kids in the future.

(and yes, I'm well aware you have kids, PF!)

[Irish]

What I don't understand is...why don't you understand her platform?

Oh Hon...she's USING you like I've never seen before...and you seem to be honestly perplexed as to what your role would be when/if you return!!!???

As asked above...what's in this for you? Closeness to your son? Don't you get that through court orders and visitational rights? Did you even go to court? I am assuming you did cause you have to pay support. Please tell us you didn't abide by a set support payment made by her!!!!!!!!????????

Lemme say this just from reading this and another of your threads...

You are a follower personified...and this "ex" of yours knows it and is going to play you like a fiddle till you take holda those balls of yours and hike um high and tell her your wants and needs and STICK BY THEM!!!!!! She is leading you around by the nose and setting rules that she can live with but that'll leave you high and dry!

As a disclaimer...I'll admit I am wrong if you can say I have hit upon anything that doesn't strike a chord of truth!

Best wishes sweety! Please know I say all of the above with a caring that only other Pixies can know!!!!
Altho I don't know the whole situation,this sounds right on the money! Even,
if it does hurt,just worry about your son.He didn't ask to be here.You helped
create him.Also,I would suggest,that you make a deal,with your ex,not to use
him as a "bargaining chip"! Irish

[fzzy]

Every time I read about such a situation it makes me want to weep! My parents divorced when I was a Junior in High School ... (I'm the youngest) ... my mom married my step father just before my senior year in high school ... He and I sat down and talked together several times before the wedding ... including several hours on the day of their wedding while we drove to a town 1 1/2 hours away to pick up the flowers and others items for their reception ... From the first day we agreed he would not try to be my father ... and I made certain he knew that I would never call him by a term meaning father ... not because I thought bad of him, but that my relationship with my own father was not ever very good and it wasn't a term of respect for me. There are 6 kids in my family ... he had 2 sons (at the time of wedding one was 29 and the other was 36). Pete was the best guy ... every one of us loved him so much ... he could have treated us all badly and we still would have felt the same, because he treated my mom like the LADY she is. But to add to that, he absolutely treated each of us kids the same as he treated his 2 boys ... in some cases better because 5 of us are girls and he had always wanted daughters. Pete died a few years ago ... my dad died a few years before that ... I hardly think of my own father, but I miss Pete desperately sometimes, several years before he died ... I slightly amended the terms of our agreement .... long enough to tell him that though I would never call him my father, as far as I'm concerned, he's the father of my heart!

Wish your ex could have understood the positive things her kids could have experienced with you in their life instead of making it acceptable for things to be so confrontational. (((((Hugs)))))

[osuche]

She told me that she would refuse to acknowledge me as a "parent" since she would not support decisions that I could/would make AS a parent, since she doesn't feel as though I am capable of making "intelligent parenting decisions".


You know...all I hear in your explaination is contempt for your decision making and parenting abilities. With 3 kids in the house, there is no room for contempt. You BOTH have to work together as a team to parent 3 kids. No teamwork and respect.....no marriage. IMHO