*sigh* I STILL miss her

[wanderingsoul]

It's been almost 2 years since we seperated and I still miss my ex wife. I've had a few flings since her. Some were serious, some were not. I know that everyone will say that I'll forget all about her once I find the one that was meant for me, but what if she WAS the one meant for me. Last I heard, she was with someone down in alabama and had just had a kid. I keep wishing and praying that she walks back into my life but I know that's never going to happen. I haven't talked to her in months and tonight she just popped into my very lonely head. We were together for like 3 1/2 years and it's been over half that long since she left me. I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever get over her. She never wronged me and I was the one that drove her away. She's completely innocent and I know that if she were to walk through my door right now, I'd fall to my knees thanking god that she's back. I've decided to call her again and see how things are going. Like I said, the last time we talked, everything in her life was going great. My life is slowly improving day by day, I'm sober 67 days today, but I'm still alone and wishing I had the love of my life back in my arms. I can't remember a lot of my life due to all the pot I've smoked in my lifetime but I can still remember the way it felt to fall asleep holding her. I'm confident I'll never forget that. The only advice I'm looking for here is how to get over her. Other than that, I'm basically just looking for a shoulder to cry on. I miss her, I miss her so much it hurts. Sure, I've stopped dreaming about her but other than that I miss her as bad or worse than the day she left me. I mean if I still miss her this much, how can she NOT be the one I was meant for?!? I doubt she even thinks about me. I was such an ass and did such horrible things that she probably would never accept me back no matter what the circumstances were. I'm really down in the dumps about all this because I truely feel that she was the only person who would ever be willing to put up with all my shit. I'm NOT an easy guy to live with but she stood beside me, faithfully I might add, to the bitter end. While I was with her, I had only been with 2 women (including her) and I wanted to experiment more. But now that I've been with other women and 2 guys, I know that she was more than I could have ever wanted. Yeah she was a little boring when it came to sex and no she wasn't willing to do everything my perverted little mind could think of but she was willing to try just about anything. What more could a guy ask for? Sure she wasn't a supermodel but I'm no freaking brad pitt either. What I'm getting at is she was everything I ever wanted and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have let God himself tear us apart! I guess I'll stop complaining and just be thankful and glad that she's with someone that makes her happy. That's all I want for her, is to be happy. But unless she's with me, I'm stuck being miserable. She's happy and I'm miserable, that's my life today. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Laura, if you're out there, I miss you!!!

[FallenAngel5]

I wish that I had some words of comfort for you, but I'm not good at the getting over the love of your life game. All I can say is that it does get better. I still think about him, but I hit absolutely rock bottom before I got to this point. It's rough, but there are blue skies. I wish I had something better to tell you. :grope:

[osuche]

(((((wanderingsoul)))))

[wanderingsoul]

Well I just talked to her. She's doing good and is happy where she's at. I was hoping to hear that things were going horrible and that she was about to leave the guy she's with but no such luck. About the only thing that isn't going well with her is her financial situation. She's totally strapped for cash and she actually asked for help in paying for finalizing the divorce. I'm totally bummed out! I mean, I'm happy that she's happy but at the same time, I'm miserable. We're friends which is a lot better the enemy's that we started out as. I really don't know how to handle this. I told her that I was scared of hurting her and that I was a total ass just to drive her away. I don't know if I'd ever told her that but she wasn't suprised. I just wish that I had one more chance. One more chance to hold her, one more chance to kiss her, one more chance to fall asleep with her in my arms, just one more chance. But it's never going to happen. I know that and I truely am glad that she's happy. Some might say that feeling that way means I'm over her. To me, it just means that I still love her. I miss her so damn much, even as pathetic as that is, I miss her. I can smoke all the cigarettes in the world and it's not gonna change the fact that she's gone and not coming back. Do any of you have any idea how much it hurts to know that you've lost the love of your life and you're never going to get them back? Tonight, I'm praying for the strength to get over her. But how do you get over the woman you were meant to be with. That's what she was, the woman I was meant to be with. But *I* fucked that up and now she's never coming back. I just miss her so damn much! I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get over her. I doubt it. Anyway, to all those that are reading this, if you're the praying type, pray that I get over her soon. For those of you that are reading this and who are not the praying type, thanks for reading. It helps a little getting all this off my chest but not as much as I had hoped. I guess I'm done complaining for now. Thanks again.

[FallenAngel5]

I did read all of it and I feel for you. I'm trying to gather my thoughts and it seems that you have a good relationship with her, which is good. My only other thought is small but important. You keep emphasizing that it was all your fault, which I understand. But I think the best way to move forward from here is to forgive yourself. It's impossible to do anything without forgiveness. Sounds easy, is hard.

[wanderingsoul]

thanks for reading. I never thought of forgiving myself because some of the things that I did are (in my opinion) unforgivable. I don't want to go into it but I did some pretty messed up things. I'll try to forgive myself but that's gonna be tougher than getting over her and that's proving to be pretty damn hard. Again, thanks for reading and your suggestion.

[Oldfart]

Wanderingsoul,

Forgiveness really doesn't enter the equation, any more than repentance will wipe away the negatives in the relationship.

Start thinking of yourself and your next partner, trying not to repeat the last set of fuck-ups.

[LixyChick]

When we know it's over and there is no chance at it ever again, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and never repeat them.

There is no secret recipe to get over someone. You'll more than likely always love her. In time it'll hurt less but you'll most likely have the twinge forever. Please don't let that block you from finding a new/different love.

Sorry I can't help make it all better! (((((wanderingsoul)))))

[wanderingsoul]

Finding someone new is gonna be hard. I usually work in some type of construction. I just lost my last job a week or so ago which was hanging gutters. Any type of construction leaves me working with a bunch of guys. I've been thinking about getting a job at like target or wal mart, they've always got a bunch of cuties working there. Target does drug testing which is a good thing since anyone who does drugs is not an option for me. The only problem is that the only thing they usually have openings for is night stockers. Being a night stocker wouldn't really be an option since I have NA meetings to go to. I have enough trouble going to them as it is and that's when I'm already awake. If I had to wake up early just to go to a meeting, I'd more than likely miss almost all of them. That's just not an option. I don't really want to start dating someone in NA because there's a good chance that they could relapse. If I was with someone who relapsed, I'd most likely either relapse with them or become an enabler. Neither of which is a option. Basically I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need a job and construction usually pays better than target or god forbid a fast food place. But working construction, I'm never going to meet someone. Working somewhere else isn't going to pay enough and most likely keep me from going to meetings. Dating someone in NA is dangerous because of the risk of a relapse.

It doesn't really matter right now, I'm only 69 days clean and I'm not ready for a relationship quite yet. Sure I'd like to get laid but I'm not a one night stand type of guy. Basically for right now, I'm just destined to be lonely. Which sucks big time. Anyway, thanks for reading and your suggestions.

[lonelyarmywife]

This is retarded and cliche, but the best things will happen to you when you are not looking for them.