Jax
06-02-2008, 08:48 PM
Okay (note a long one here sorry...)
Short question:
- When someone has made up their mind and can't be reasoned with, what do you do when you care about the person and are afraid that any futher discussion is simply going to be one of those I see what I see and that must be the way it is things...
Long story/details.
What would you do? Or said differently - what should I do?
I have a group of college friends that still hang together. And we've been hanging for 20 years or so. These are the "core people". You know the ones, the ones you count on. And even though you don't see them as much, the pulse still beats strong.
One of the friends is an older guy. He's about 20 years older than the rest of us. He's also single. And has been single every since I've known him. Also, he has lived in the same place with his brother for 30+ years (both divorcees). Not really relevent, except that it plays into the story a little.
As a group, we're a rather close bunch, but as we've gotten older, most of us (all but him) have gotten married and many of us now have kids and all of have careers. It is hard to see each other much. And we aren't the softest of friends. We rip each other pretty good (Me = beer guy, him = old, other friend uptight etc). And lord knows if you aren't crisp on the field you'll get ripped for that too. And then we laugh and drink a lot of beer.
Over the last few years we've been reduced to softball, Fantasy Football and the occasional get together.
Anyway, at our last get together he didn't show up, so I called him and found his phone # was disconnected. I sent him an e-mail asking him if he was okay.
The first response was "I disconnected my phone 10 weeks ago because I don't get dial up anymore. I got a cell phone, and here's the #". I shot a one sentence response with good to hear from him etc..
He sent me a long e-mail response to that. Basically telling me that I hadn't bothered to call him and he didn't feel he was obligated to advise me of his phone change etc. Then he got into that he thinks I think he's gay! And that if I was a real friend I'd tell him where I was getting my information from and why does everyone think he's gay. And that his brother, whom he had lived with for 30+ years (who I know through my friend) had moved out, because they couldn't get along - basically because my friend (apparently) kept asking why I, my wife and 'others' - including the brother - thought he was gay, when in fact he was not and when was the last time we spoke etc....Note - I only see the brother once a year or so and when my friend is present.
And it was filled with references to last year and he ripped on another friend from an event two years before!
Anyway, paranoid sad and bitter stuff.
So, I sent a nice response that said I didn't really know what he was talking about, but would be glad to talk to him. And honestly, I have no idea.
Predictably no response. What can he say?
Anyway, several months later, here I sit. I'm rather sad about this. But I don't know how to reach out and - staying on the high road - reconnect with him. He's dumped the whole group.
Maybe this is just me being upset because I am percieved as a problem, I don't know. But he was a very good friend to me for a long time, and I feel terrible that he feels hurt - even if it is all in his head. In hindsight, this wasn't sudden, I think he's been pulling away slowly and this has been piling up over the last few years, unknown to the rest of us. Plus I want to help with life lessons - don't let this stuff stew, if you were hurting, you should have told us etc I tried to work that into the response I sent.
But anyway...long enough. Do I just simply need to wait it out, and either he'll come back in to the fold or he won't? In theory Fantasy Football starts in the fall and he's the commish so that has to be addressed. Haven't thought about how to do that.
I don't know. I think about this a lot and feel bad, but haven't reached out past that e-mail.
Thoughts? Advice?
Short question:
- When someone has made up their mind and can't be reasoned with, what do you do when you care about the person and are afraid that any futher discussion is simply going to be one of those I see what I see and that must be the way it is things...
Long story/details.
What would you do? Or said differently - what should I do?
I have a group of college friends that still hang together. And we've been hanging for 20 years or so. These are the "core people". You know the ones, the ones you count on. And even though you don't see them as much, the pulse still beats strong.
One of the friends is an older guy. He's about 20 years older than the rest of us. He's also single. And has been single every since I've known him. Also, he has lived in the same place with his brother for 30+ years (both divorcees). Not really relevent, except that it plays into the story a little.
As a group, we're a rather close bunch, but as we've gotten older, most of us (all but him) have gotten married and many of us now have kids and all of have careers. It is hard to see each other much. And we aren't the softest of friends. We rip each other pretty good (Me = beer guy, him = old, other friend uptight etc). And lord knows if you aren't crisp on the field you'll get ripped for that too. And then we laugh and drink a lot of beer.
Over the last few years we've been reduced to softball, Fantasy Football and the occasional get together.
Anyway, at our last get together he didn't show up, so I called him and found his phone # was disconnected. I sent him an e-mail asking him if he was okay.
The first response was "I disconnected my phone 10 weeks ago because I don't get dial up anymore. I got a cell phone, and here's the #". I shot a one sentence response with good to hear from him etc..
He sent me a long e-mail response to that. Basically telling me that I hadn't bothered to call him and he didn't feel he was obligated to advise me of his phone change etc. Then he got into that he thinks I think he's gay! And that if I was a real friend I'd tell him where I was getting my information from and why does everyone think he's gay. And that his brother, whom he had lived with for 30+ years (who I know through my friend) had moved out, because they couldn't get along - basically because my friend (apparently) kept asking why I, my wife and 'others' - including the brother - thought he was gay, when in fact he was not and when was the last time we spoke etc....Note - I only see the brother once a year or so and when my friend is present.
And it was filled with references to last year and he ripped on another friend from an event two years before!
Anyway, paranoid sad and bitter stuff.
So, I sent a nice response that said I didn't really know what he was talking about, but would be glad to talk to him. And honestly, I have no idea.
Predictably no response. What can he say?
Anyway, several months later, here I sit. I'm rather sad about this. But I don't know how to reach out and - staying on the high road - reconnect with him. He's dumped the whole group.
Maybe this is just me being upset because I am percieved as a problem, I don't know. But he was a very good friend to me for a long time, and I feel terrible that he feels hurt - even if it is all in his head. In hindsight, this wasn't sudden, I think he's been pulling away slowly and this has been piling up over the last few years, unknown to the rest of us. Plus I want to help with life lessons - don't let this stuff stew, if you were hurting, you should have told us etc I tried to work that into the response I sent.
But anyway...long enough. Do I just simply need to wait it out, and either he'll come back in to the fold or he won't? In theory Fantasy Football starts in the fall and he's the commish so that has to be addressed. Haven't thought about how to do that.
I don't know. I think about this a lot and feel bad, but haven't reached out past that e-mail.
Thoughts? Advice?