A little performance anxiety question

[Tigerlily78]

So...new guy, (very) recently single, things are going REALLY well until we hit the bedroom....it's there, it's not, up, not so much....so I did my best to help...realized it just wasn't going to happen quite like that, and instead concentrated on....other things. A good time was definitely had by me :) Later on, offhand asked him if it was a little weird having a new girl in the house (that he had shared with his ex and her kids)...he said it wasn't really. Today, when IMing, he admits that it was a little weird and he thought that is might have been the "problem", and apologized. I explained that being in your 30s means that you just don't get worried about things not going as planned, and that I do want to give it another go, as does he. As far as I can figure, trying to be casual and understanding about it, without examining it to bits seems to have been the best thing. Any thoughts from anyone on whether this was the best strategy? Suggestions?

[jseal]

Tigerlily78,

Your approach seems right to me.

[Lord Snow]

My guess would be to go out again. Have a great time. See what happens. You could be right. Could've just been first time, new relationship jitters. Worse case scenario is a repeat of the previous date. If you don't want to take that chance, slip a vitamin v in his drink at dinner. LOL.

[Tigerlily78]

We'd been doing some hot and heavy chatting for the last while as well, he may have psyched himself out. Ironically, I had a previous fuckbuddy years ago who perpetually has this problem....it took a little bit of positive thinking to not blame myself. Still, I guess we did well, considering that our first kiss was Saturday at about 6:30 am :)

[Cyberdude26]

Yep. That definitely was anxiety ... Been thru that when trying for our first child and the wife was on an initial "fertility enhancer". The pressure of taking advantage of the 2 days of ovulation was unlike any both of us faced. For the second kid, it was smooth sailing !!!

[scotzoidman]

As far as I can figure, trying to be casual and understanding about it, without examining it to bits seems to have been the best thing. Any thoughts from anyone on whether this was the best strategy?To my way of thinking, you handled it exactly the right way...& so did he, seeing as how he didn't let his problem ruin your fun. Hopefully the next time will work out, & this was just a one-time thing that happens to everybody at some point.

[Mark Vieth]

So...new guy, (very) recently single, things are going REALLY well until we hit the bedroom....it's there, it's not, up, not so much....so I did my best to help...realized it just wasn't going to happen quite like that, and instead concentrated on....other things. A good time was definitely had by me :) Later on, offhand asked him if it was a little weird having a new girl in the house (that he had shared with his ex and her kids)...he said it wasn't really. Today, when IMing, he admits that it was a little weird and he thought that is might have been the "problem", and apologized. I explained that being in your 30s means that you just don't get worried about things not going as planned, and that I do want to give it another go, as does he. As far as I can figure, trying to be casual and understanding about it, without examining it to bits seems to have been the best thing. Any thoughts from anyone on whether this was the best strategy? Suggestions?


Well this has happened to me in the past and I am speaking from the guys POV. (I am now in a relationship with a loving woman who is far better than my ex-wife). Some guys just take time to adjust to being single again. This includes certain things that were familiar are now alien. The only reason I can explain for this is, is the familiarity of the ex.

The only thing I can say is this....give him time to adjust. Do not pressure him into things he is not ready for. If he is recently single again he will be lost and will need some guidance to see his way around. Re-assure him that you understand his feelings and things will happen in their own time. Patience is the number one priority here.

Hope it helps......

[GusAspar]

Change is unsettling, and affects our potency - makes sense, doesn't it? I'm twice his age, and I have experience (quite often) of not being able to get it up, but then the next day everything works again. What cums up must cum down... and it will eventually cum up again! :)

[floyd36]

I've had trouble on and off for the last couple of years, partly due to prostate issues that I now think are over because the second, proper dose of antibiotics really worked (and I thought I knew it wasn't an infection). But, now I still am not ready whenever my wife wants me to be. I think the solution is to take things slowly, never rush. That's hard to do when it's getting late and we're already tired.

What else causes this problem? Anxiety about anything (work, kids, you name it). Fatigue (long day or lots of exercise that day). Alcohol (and here I'm talking about even something as minor as that second drink of the evening that made me a little too tired on top of the other fatigue).

The performance anxiety is just the icing on the cake. It's anxiety about anxiety rather than the root cause, but it makes all the other stuff worse. Performance anxiety is not just about the immediate performance but about inadequacy long term. Yeah, 'I'm such a loser' kind of attitude. That thought doesn't exactly give me a woody. I can be dormant for days after thinking that. Fortunately, there are things I can do to come back to life, such as enjoying this web site.

Let me ask you, and other female contributors, if this would work for you. What if you're horny, but he's not getting hard? Would you consider an alternative to sex with him is sex with yourself with him there? That would take all the pressure off and probably lead to him getting heavily involved.

[Lilith]

I would consider sex with someone else with him there. :D

[osuche]

Meh. I am OK with doing for myself in a pinch (especially if he watches) -- but I am happier if he lands a hand (or a tongue) too. Just because a guy can't get hard doesn't mean we can't have fun.

[pinkFlames]

Although a good orgasm on my part will push him back out again, if I'm wet enough I can coax even the limpest dick inside. And I agree with osuche, we can have loads of fun even without the penis.

[Wolf's Woof]

I've always had this problem when I'm with someone new. I don't think it's worrying about being great in the sack, just not being with that person for very long seems to effect me that way. I always just explain it and know that one night stands aren't for me.

Oh and, it's not age. I'm 25.

I think the idea of having him watch you would work but the best way is probably to ask him what he'd like to see/help you do in that situation or just for an extra fun night. If watching/helping you get off makes him rise to the occasion, then you can have your cum and he can eat it too.

The above posters are exactly right though, patience and understanding are key. If he gets frustrated, that part of the night is over. Because no matter what he does to you, he could have that nagging voice of doubt in the back of his head the whole time. Not fun at all. Trust me.