Here's a few words from someone who's been on that side of the fence....emotional abuse, not physical fortuanately, but the wounds of that can go just as deep..... BigBear, I bet if you asked any woman who got out of a situation like that, you'd find most of em with the same answer as mine....which is, I have no idea why I stayed and put up with it....in some weird way, the abusee begins to get brain-washed into actually believing that crap is necessary somehow....doesn't make sense, i know......there's also the issue of shame....even before i got out....I was deeply ashamed to let others know what was happening to me.....that somehow what HE did reflected badly on me...again, doesn't make sense, i know...... the abuse creates some wayyyyyy unrealistic self-esteem issues and alot of women begin to believe that what they get, they deserve......trust me, being told daily that you're a piece of shit and nobody else would want a piece of shit, well, that really does fuck up your head after awhile......then there's the oh so loving i'm sorry's afterward.....and that is the place i think the most damage is done....i don't know for sure but i do wonder if like pavlov's dog who salivated at the ringing of a bell, we abusees begin to associate the loving with the abuse in a warped way. (i.e. we want the love, crave the love, but the only way to get it is by going thru the abuse.....again, doesn't make sense).

As for how to fix it ...YOU can't.....only she can.....as the others here have said, continue to be a real friend to her.....offer what you can in the way of loving support for her ordeal.....continue to tell her to get out and to seek help.....tell her as often as you can that SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS AND THAT SHE DESERVES BETTER....say that often and say it loud.....i wish i had an answer as to what woke me up.....and like your friend who has you, i had a friend (the only person who knew what i lived with) who watched for 10 years or more....who stood just as helplessly by....but he never once abandoned me and i'm quite sure that by his remaining such a loyal and good friend throughout, he played a major part in my waking up..... remember, we abusees tend to think we don't deserve anything good....let her see you as good and that no matter what, you will be her friend.....that one small gesture is a mountain of love to us. Good Luck.

Just thought I'd say that after seeing how all of this has affected you, I'm gonna call my friend later and make sure he knows how much i appreciate him.

Kathy thanks for the insight. In some odd way I sort of understand that. My Dad was involved in AA for several years and through some of the talks we had I gathered some pretty useful insight about similar situations. Even with some slight undertstanding it wrenches me to be so useless. I'll be there for her in a minute. I gave her my phone number and told her just call if you need help. I just hope she sees the light soon.

BigBear57....

I know that M&E would understand.. that isn't what I meant.. they would understand.. and no doubt be proud of you for standing up for someone in trouble.. BUT.. just because they would understand and be proud.. wouldn't mean that they wouldn't be upset... afterall.. no child wants to feel that their parent is in danger... and lets face it... you would be... if this guy will hit a woman... there is no telling what he is capable of...

I know that you will use caution... not only for your sake.. but for "D's" sake too... you have given her every possible out that you can... it is up to her to make the move.. you can't do it for her... all you can do is extend your hand of friendship.. and hope and pray that she reaches for you...

Hugs..

Yes it is an awful situation and it is so hard looking from the outside with no way of altering anything.

I can add nothing than has already been said about the situation.

What I can say is that you are a caring and decent man and I am proud to call you a friend.

Take care mate

*Ginger reads this thread, gets through Grumble's post, and wanders away shaking her head muttering something that sounds a lot like "damn, I love this place"*

not much more to add but...
 

there is hardly ever an easy answer to violence and your situation is at once hard and endearing to those of us who have been there...i too was once the party being beat upon and as it's been said couldn't tell you exactly why i stayed..i can tell why i left was because i truly felt that if i stayed even one moment longer that i would die it took along time to realize that if i "made him hit me" that i could make him not when i did i realized that anyone who truly loved me would never ever hurt me in such a profound and damaging way like the others i encourage you to just be there for her as it is the one thing that she may have to cling to in the way of hope...your steadiness and friendship will be in much use when she does finally leave and these are the most valuable things in life ...one or two true friends and their ability to be there when you need them the most strangly enough it was a total stranger who helped to get me out of my situation but it was my friends who helped me to do the healing ...
good luck and stay the course and of course Soft Thoughts boilergirl

Two chits for hugs are going out to Boilergirl1 and Kathy1....glad you both found what you needed to get out and get safe.

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. So I will just add my support! I will be thinking about you. :)

is it worth it
 

I have a very special friend who is a lady and thank God she doesn't have to endure anything like this. But if she was in "D" situation, there is no doubt my response.

This man would not be healthy for long. I simply would tell this person that the Cops can't keep me locked up long enough to keep me from having to reteach the lesson if needed--just make sure the first lesson was well taught.

But I know this answer will not go over very well with others here and I am sorry if it offends. But regardless of the costs even the friendship, I would smash this individual insuch a fassion that long would he remember it and wence.

My sister's boyfriend dared to raise his hand to her once. Eventhough it took a long time for my sister to forgive me for getting involved, her boyfriend hasn't dared to try it again.

I wish in this world that understanding and reason can solve all problems but sadly, there are those individuals that understand brut force.

I, for one, am not offended by what you say, Vullkan. It's nice to see someone who cares so deeply and loves so fiercely and selflessly.

Friends, thanks for the outpouring of concern. I hope you know you give me strength. Vulkan, I too inititally wanted to cave this idiot's head in and damn the consequences. Alas such a response could possibly strengthen his hold. As I'd said earlier, who's to say she wouldn't rush to his side and nurse him back to health so he could resume the abuse? I'm sure the best thing to do is wait it out and try to offer her sound advice and help whenever she's ready.

I hope things went a bit better today!!!! HUGS

Vullkan.... I understand completely what you said. If anyone was to hurt someone I love, I'd want to make them pay, and pay dearly. Truth be told, if the asshole is going to get beat up, let it be to within an inch of his life, and let it scare him shitless.

I know I could never do such a thing, but I could want it with ever fiber of my being.

thank you all for understanding my medeval solution.

Mr ...Bear:

My sister nursed him back her boyfriend back to health after he got out of the hospital--but since then things have be more or less fine. Personally I hate violence and feel sick for a long time afterword. Yet still it is a sad reality that some men only understand that a bigger meaner men are out there.

When it comes to family and friends...well sadly my angue isn't something worth seeing. That is something I wish I simply could change.

Well I'll be damned. She did IT! She moved out on the guy. Now I just hope she does well enough to get by better own her own without looking back. Just thought I'd let Y'all in on the happy news. :)