if i tell you age you will base it on that...if i were to say we were anywhere from 20-30 you would give me a different answer than if we were 30-40

Of course. That is why I asked... it matters.

A few days ago the full birthdate was in packrat's profile... which is part of what contributed to my advice... And I agree with Aqua it does matter... Just as amount of time in the relationship matters to a degree. I can say that I am older than packrat, not probably any wiser. And that I recognize people are all different, but my view of the world has changed as I have aged... even my view of myself and the things I want.

Age does make a difference because with age comes more life experience but I would say what I am saying here to anyone.

You make excuses for her cheating on you because you were away?
You are willing give up sex forever for her to stay with you?

IMO.... Your are being treated no better than a doormat and what is even worse is that you are apparently willing to let her.

A relationship can be healed if both parties are willing to form a union and work on it. Trangressions can be forgiven. Hurt feelings can heal but, if only one person is working on it then it is doomed.

Your first loss of esteem happened when she cheated and it appears that it continues to erode so, maybe you should take some time for YOU and think things through. Maybe go talk to someone impartial who can listen without opining on what you should do. but teach you the tools to help you get through this rough time in your life.

AND of course you can take what I am saying and not give it another thought!

I agree that age makes a difference, but what makes more of a different is emotional maturity.

packrat, I don't know if you're 18 or 80, but what I do know is that you're still pretty young emotionally. Your reaction to the situation you find yourself in is pretty naive. Giving her space or not giving her space is not going to make a difference if she doesn't respect you the way that she should. And in fact, bending yourself to her will is just going to lessen her respect for you further.

I know you are willing to try and change for her, but the question is, should you be? Is it really you who needs to change? Just because SHE says you're in the wrong doesn't mean that you are.

Packrat, both Mark and Lou have said some very sound advice from what I can see. Just to shadow what they have both said, if I were in your situation and my s/o was like that, I'd get rid of them before it got to the stage that you find yourself in now. She cheated on you once. That there is an immediate shut out for me. If my s/o ever did that, I'd show him the door real fast and I'd smack his ass as he got the boot out!

Wasn't she the one that cheated on you? How gracious of her to give you a chance after something so emotionally difficult to overcome.

we decided to take a short break and think things over...don't know what's gonna happen

If I were oyu I would take a permanent break =\ nothing good ever comes of one side thinking they're better or more deserving than the other.

I think you've made a good and brave decision to take a break packrat.

If I were you I'd focus my energies now, on building up your self esteem. Do some things that you used to enjoy that perhaps you've not done in a while. We often make compromises when we are in a relationship and unwittingly give up hobbies or friends because we are so wrapped up in the person we're with. If this is the case, now is the time to rediscover going out on a Friday night with the boys/ taking your bike for a ride/ going fishing with your Dad/ playing ball in the park with a good friend or whatever makes you happy.

Fill your life with things and you may find the pain of being apart from her is lessened and even that you don't want to go back to her after your break time is over. This is not a time to sit in your room and miss her, reflecting on what you did wrong. There'll be a time for that if the relationship doesn't make it, and that time will come when you're in a more detached frame of mind a few months down the line, when you'll be able to look at what has gone on much more objectively.

i do want to be back with her. so what can i do during this break to make her want to get back with me

I recommend re-reading Lou's advice two posts up and focuse on YOU during this time and defining yourself as an individual again rather than a part of a twosome.

should i comepletely cut myself off from her? or should i call her or what....

I read an article recently about why people cheat or otherwise lose interest in their partners.

The main way to prevent this happening is to be an interesting person. That means having your own life, your own interests and having different experiences from your partner, so that when you are together you have new things to share with each other. Essentially making sure that you are an interesting person means that you never run out of conversation and you both continue to develop as individuals.

Now I'm not saying that it will definitely work in your case, but certainly your best bet at getting to be back with her is to go out there and grab life by the throat......enjoy yourself and get happy....miserable people really really really aren't attractive.

As for calling her, please don't. A break is exactly that. A break. She's asked for some space from you and that's what you need to give her. You need to use this time to accept that this relationship may well be over and start getting used to the idea that you can't just call her at the drop of a hat. If the relationship is going to work out, she's going to be the one calling you.

well she ended it last night...what do i do now?