1080...

One Pissed Off Wife

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman.

With super-human strength borne of fury, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

1081....

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. He grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

1082.....

The Bunny & The Snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls."

"I'd say you must be French."

1083..

Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work had been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that "in one year they would pay for themselves

1084...

Arkansas Survivor

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Arkansas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Arkansas Style."

The contestants will start in Conway, travel up to Bee Branch and on to Marshall and Harrison. Then they will head over to Mt. Home and down to Batesville and Newport. From there they will proceed on down to LA. (lower Arkansas for those of you who don't know what that means). Then back around through Hope, Hot Springs, and all the way up to Russellville and back over to Conway.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Yankee license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. The Arkansas Razorbacks suck. Hillary in 2004. Deer hunting is murder , and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Conway alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!

--1085--

reply 1082 is most excellent...

1086...

This is better if you read it aloud....

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

1087....

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walks
out to the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands, and as
they walk, the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I
have seen in America." President Bush replies, "Well, Mr. Ambassador,
anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers, "My son
watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and
Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why
there are never any Arabs in 'Star Trek'." President Bush laughs, and leans
towards the Iraqi, and whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the
future..."

1088...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answer machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the back yard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "he" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs; the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and trying to piss on me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

-- 1089 --

OK that last one was really funny, I'm actually laughing out loud!

damn! it's afternoon, I better go take a shower and get dressed...

1090

1091..


So glad I could add a laugh to your day MT... :)

here is another...


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bed room and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

1092......

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin


I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything, you don't work for!


I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English. And if you are a citizen of the United States start speaking the language.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy butt through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my butt off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-heck-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, which branch of the Government he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your butt over if you're breaking the law.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents, a married man and woman.

And what the heck is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

1093....

MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want ... and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, golfing, boozing and card-playing whenever I want with my old buddies. and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not!"

MARRIAGE (PART II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. " When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!'"


MARRIAGE (PART III)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage, says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house. While driving to his
office he realizes he was nasty, decides to make amends and calls
his wife to apologize. After a great many rings she answers the
phone; the irritated husband asks, "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"

"I was in bed," she replies.

"In bed ... this late ... doing what?" he asks.

"Getting a second opinion, of course!" she explains.


MARRIAGE (PART IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
is so proud that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.

One night they attend a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home,
Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

MARRIAGE (PART V)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
tomorrow morning at 5:00 am." The next morning the man awoke,
only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper lying on his pillow
... it said "It's 5:00 am, wake up!"

1094...

Lovely Wife?

A man comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The
pharmacist, trying to maintain a professional posture, asks, "For
what purpose, Sir?"

"I want to kill my wife," replies the man.

"I'm very sorry, Sir," the pharmacist says, "but surely you must
know that under such circumstances I cannot sell you Cyanide."

The man reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry, Sir. I didn't
realize you had a prescription.

1095..

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

1096...

Three Labrador retrievers, a brown, yellow, and black were sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they began a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the brown and said, "So, why are you here?"

The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything; the sofa, the
drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown Lab. "All the vets
are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees; I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me, too," the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Well, what are you
here for?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and she was
bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on
her back and I started humping away."

The yellow and brown Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for
you, too, huh?"

The black Lab said, "No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

1097....

Less Time

* It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.

* It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

* It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.


Now there's something to think about!!!

1098...

Life's Lessons"

Some lessons are easier to learn than others.

According to a news report, a certain private school in

Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A

number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick

and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but

after they put on their lipstick they would press their

lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the

next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the

principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there

with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip

prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who

had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the

mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls

how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled

squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror

with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

:)

1099..

and my email isn't even close to being empty yet.. geez... people must think I need to laugh huh? :)

1100.... :D

#1101

LMAO people!

#1102

I kinda like it without our fave positions listed over there

<---------------

It gives you a chance to ask......if you're actually interested!

#1103

Hey MilkToast?

1104
Looks like alot of people are changing there avitars lately

#1105

I change mine ocassionally.....to spice things up! LOL!

Way hay #1107

#1108

#1109

1110

1111

Hey there...

--1112--

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

1113

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

1114

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

1115

--1116--

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

// 1117 \\

1118

You Know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

one thousand one hundred nineteen