Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

1160

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

1161

________________________________
BARBER:
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!

[singing]
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...

[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

1162 -- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

1163

{now this is a bad one - Toast}

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

--1165--

1166

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

1167

{this one I really like :) - Toast}

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

1168

{Skipthisone probably came up with this one :D - Toast}

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

1169

1170

Without geometry, life is pointless.

{how about a Kodak moment}

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

1171

1173
{words of wisdom}

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

{ouch}
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

1174

{Hamurabi would be proud}

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

1175

1176
{he he he}

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Hi Sharni! :)

1177

And now for some interesting and totally useless facts....

-Toast

1179

Coca-Cola was originally green.

1180

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

1181

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

1182

#1183

I wanted to be a carpenter.......but I just couldn't cope!

OMG! I know....I know! I'll smack myself....no need to all rush to do it!

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

1184

1185

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

--one thousand one hundred and eighty six--

1187

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

1188

Me thinks I need to open my email and find another funny

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.

1189

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

1190

{yeah, I stole the theme... sorry, I'm just not that original}

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

1191

{plus, at least someone might get a laught from this thread :) }

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

1192

1193

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

OK... done with the "facts"... more likely factoids.

1194

{sorry to any Irish that might not like it, but it's beer related so it's getting posted} -- 1195

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, Michael snarled: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

1196 {continuing the beer thread}


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

1197

1198......

Hey MT... did you break into my email? LOL.. just kidding :)

1199 - nope, but I bet we get a lot of the same ones :)