Thought you smokers would find this amusing
"The worst kind of non-smoker is the one where you're smoking and they walk up to you coughing. I always say 'Shoot, you're lucky you don't smoke! That's a hell of a cough dude, I smoke all day and don't cough like that. Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mom sat on it at the last second'. Did I overreact? I didn't, did I? I think that's kinda cruel, I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You come up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks? 'Well hey Mr. Wheelchair, what's problem?' 'C'mon Ironside, race ya?' You fucking sadist! I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die. Deal? Thankyou, America!"
"People say 'Well, it's not that, I-i-i-i-it's the secondary smoke. It's not just the smoke that you smoke, it's the smoke that comes out of you, and that's not good smoke, just 'cause it came out of you' Shut the fuck up, right now. Goddammit, if I don't smoke, there's gonna be secondary bullets coming your way. You understand this? I'm fucking tense! Alright? Thankyou! I've been on a flying saucer tour for three months, okay? Hope you don't mind if I just enjoy my cig"
"I love it when people in New York City complain about your smoking, isn't that great? Yeah, these people are standing ankle deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here. 'Oh, this is bothering you, oh, I'm sorry, let me go over to this pile of bum dung and put this out. There we go! Restore New York to that pristine state we know it exists in, if it weren't for my god-awful cigarette!'"
--Bill Hicks.