Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?


A: Put a nipple on it.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A man is out on his front porch one day and sees his neighbor going by with a roll of duct tape. "Where are you going with that?" he asks. The neighbor responds, "I'm off to get some ducks!"

Thinking that his neighbor is nuts, the man goes back inside and goes about his daily business, but later looks back out to see the neighbor walking home with armloads of ducks.

The next day, bewildered, the man sees his neighbor walking along with a roll of wire. "What's that?", he asks.

"Chicken wire."

"Where you goin' with that?" he asks.

"Gettin' myself some chickens", the other man responds.

"Why dont you just buy em???", the man asks

"You'll see," is the answer.

Sure enough, later that day, the neighbor goes by with an armload of chickens.

The next day, the man sees his neighbor walking by with a bunch of sticks.

"What are those?", he asks.

"Pussywillows" the neighbor states, to which the man responds, "Hold on, I'm getting my coat."

LMAO, Steph.

A girl brings a guy home one night.
They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?", asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.
The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart.
"What the fuck was that for?...." "Ooops!...sorry, let's try again" she says.
So, they get into position again and......once more she lets one loose!
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on
"Wait, wait, where are you going??" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!!........."

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife did as she was asked, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.




On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."