It's another joke thread


A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, 'Bill where did he go when he left here?'
Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.'

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Any of you ladies like donuts?


Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Last one for now



Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

__________________

Three old guys who have been institutionalized for most of their lives were being evaluated by the home's psychicatrist.I am going to ask you each a few questions and write your answers on my clip board.So he ask the first old man if he knew what 3x3 was.Sure Doc.it's 276.He asked the second man what is 3x3.It's Tuesday Doc. The third man answered 9 Doc.Why that is right.Do you know how you arrived at the answer? Sure Doc.I subtracted 276 from Tuesday.

__________________
Sex is one of nine reasons for reincarnation.The other eight are unimportant...Henry Miller

ROTFLMAO

__________________
"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
E. E. Cummings

My Pictures

Picture requests

As Promised

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an ML."

The bartender says, " What's an ML?"

She says, " A Miller Light."

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a BL."

The bartender says, "What's a BL?"

She says, "Bud Light."

A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

The bar tender says," What's a fifteen?"

She says," 7&7, duh!"

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).




If that doesn't put you in the mood ...

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 55 years.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ........
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:"Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated--'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied--'Cause you're ugly.

25 SIGNS THAT PROVE - "YOU'VE GROWN UP"

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is not for playing games.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd