1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face!"

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE....


One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!!!!"

"It's a piece of Ass!"

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit
kicked out of him.

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
>ZIPLOC BAGS - male,
>because they hold everything in, but you can always see right
>through them.
>
>
>SHOE - male,
>because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>
> COPIER - female,
>because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
>TIRE - male,
>because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
>
> HOT AIR BALLOON - male,
>because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it .... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
> SPONGES - female,
>because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
>
> SUBWAY - male,
>because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
> HOURGLASS - female,
>because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
> HAMMER - male,
>because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL - female!
>..... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men
>pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
>

__________________
Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!

I don't know if these would really be called jokes
but they are funny


TRUISMS


The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

if swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Finally, advice for today ................ Remember, a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Bar Joke


A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks......

"Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"

The Bartender says, "Well, we call it a 'Pabst Smir'

EVER WONDER?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

[QUOTE=dicksbro]EVER WONDER?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's called taxes.

__________________
Thou art goddess.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?








A: A boner.

__________________
Thou art goddess.

I'll go to hell for this.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor or send an e-mail.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

__________________
Eudaimonia

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In
language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used
as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive Mary was
fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is
fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It
can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used
as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see,
there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

1. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
2. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
3. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
4. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
5. Disgust "Fuck me."
6. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
7. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
8. Despair "Fucked again..."
9. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
10. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
11. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
12. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
13. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
14. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
15. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
16. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
17. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
18. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one."

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the Eyes and says calmly:






"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."